My journey in pregnancy after loss.
I have often spoken about how I came to discover Hypnobirthing when I was pregnant with my second son Ozzy, but there is a part of the story I don’t as often talk about. Mostly, because even all these years later, it still hurts to talk about. Ozzy is a rainbow baby, before him, I experienced a miscarriage.
My journey in pregnancy after loss was heartbreaking, but it also shaped my life going forwards.
A bit about my pregnancy loss
When Logan, my eldest son turned 2, I found out we were expecting again. We were so excited, and I immediately started imagining our lives with our new baby, and as a family of 4. When I was 11 weeks pregnant, we went on holiday to Florida with a group of friends, and when I was 12 weeks exactly, I started bleeding. I knew, straight away, what had happened. I knew I was loosing our baby, and I had never experienced fear like it.
We went to the local emergency centre, where I was taken for a scan, and it was confirmed that our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. A missed miscarriage. I was utterly heartbroken. The doctor who told me the news was in tears herself- she had recently also experienced a pregnancy loss.
We travelling back to our holiday home, and told our friends the news. They were wonderful, and so kind and supportive. The days that followed were hard. We continued with our holiday, and tried to make it a special time for our eldest, but I really just wanted to curl in a ball and stay there.
When we got home, we went for another scan, which confirmed the pregnancy loss. I waited for my body to naturally pass the baby, and when it did we buried it in the garden, where we had scattered our dogs ashes. Now the healing began. I was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally.
The physical recovery was a lot quicker than the emotional.
One day, I was out for dinner with my friends for my 30th birthday, and we were talking about my miscarriage. There were 6 of us there, and it turned out 3 of us had experienced miscarriage. Far more than the 1 in 4 statistic we are told. I was both deeply saddened for their experience, and comforted that I wasn’t alone.
The next few months were a time of deep sadness for me. I was sad at the future I had imaged, I was angry with my body, I was hurting.
In December that year, we found out I was pregnant again.
I was thrilled, but almost instantly, the anxiety kicked in. Could I trust my body? Could I allow myself to get excited, and to see that future family I so desperately wanted. I felt the need to protect myself, just incase. Pregnancy after loss is a complex journey to navigate.
At my 12 week scan, I was bouncing up and down with nerves. I was terrified. The sonographer was amazing and instantly told me that there was a heartbeat, and I burst into tears. I was relieved, thankful, thrilled. But after we left, the pregnancy anxiety I was experiencing stayed. I was struggling to allow myself to connect with my baby, and sometimes the negative thoughts were hard to manage. I stumbled across a book called A Mindful Pregnancy, and this helped me so much. It allowed me to see more clearly, and it taught me tools to stay in the present moment. From there, I began to look for more information, and that was how I found myself discovering Hypnobirthing. Not only did the information totally change the way I felt about and experienced my next birth, but it completely changed the way I handled my journey in pregnancy after loss. It allowed me to feel calmer, more confident, and to connect with my unborn baby.
My tips for navigating a pregnancy after a loss?
- Speak to someone about how you are feeling- it could be your partner, a friend, your GP.
- Practise mindfulness. It will help you stay in the present moment, and focus on right now.
- Think about taking a Hypnobirthing course. This will really help you with feelings of confidence, relaxing into this pregnancy and bonding with your unborn baby.
- If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, please seek help. You do not need to handle it alone. Speak to your Midwife or GP, or contact support organisations such as PANDAS.
Tommys has some helpful information on pregnancy after loss.
If you need someone to talk to please also drop me a message on my Instagram.
Discovering Hypnobirthing during that difficult time has completely changed my life.
Experiencing pregnancy loss was one of the most challenging times, and I still mark that babies due date, I still think of what they would of been like now, who they would be. But I also know it was part of my journey, part of my life story, and also, it gave me my Ozzy. My precious rainbow boy, who was sent to challenge me and to grow my love, and grow our family. The perfect son for us, the perfect brother for his siblings, a bright gift to the world after the storm.
